Sometimes You Just Don't Know

Have you ever had that feeling that you just don't know? You don't even know what you don't know about. There's just something there that nags you. Well, that is how I feel right now. I have a lot going on in my life. I am still confused about work. Do I like it? Do I hate it? It really depends on when you ask me and how my day has gone. It is fun sometimes, but it is also very stressful. Who knew putting people in jail could wear you down so much?
Then there is the wedding. I hate the question, 'So are you getting cold feet?' What are cold feet? Am I nervous about the wedding? Yes. Am I stressed about the wedding? Yes. Am I sad about the wedding? No. I do want to get married. I do want Aaron to be my husband. I do want to live with him the rest of my life. But forever is a long time. A lot can happen in forever. People can change in forever. This worries me, but it doesn't mean I don't want to get married.
Honestly, I am more nervous about things not coming together. Doing your own food and favors and decorations might save money, but it certainly adds to the stress. But hopefully, everything will come together and everything will be fine. Wish me luck!

back in business

So a lot has gone down since my last post. I took the bar. It was as hard, if not harder, than I had imagined. In fact, during lunch of the second day, I went to the car and shed a few tears. I was convinced I could just go home and it wouldn't matter, because I had failed. However, I sucked it up, went back inside, and finished. I hadn't come that far to be a quitter. I never was much of a quitter, except for soccer, softball, violin, piano, etc. Oh well. This time, I didn't quit. And I'm glad I didn't.

I then enjoyed the next few months as much as I could. I took a trip up to Sandusky, Ohio with Aaron and his family. We went to Cedar Point and I had a carefree vacation for the first time in three years. This vacation was followed by a trip to visit my best friend in Savannah. Aaron and I spent three days wandering the streets and sites of a gorgeous city. I think we walked about 10 miles a day at least. We got tons of pictures and had lots of fun. Then it was time to go back to work.

Then came October. Once the calendar turned, the nerves began again. On October 9, I took off work and sat at home in my pajamas with my newly acquired puppy Leroy (more on him in a moment), and watched mindless television. At 11:50, the results were in. Of course my "borrowed" internet wouldn't work, but luckily I had my iPhone. I checked the bar site, and there was my number. I then convinced myself that my number was something else, but that number was there as well. I began to cry and proceeded to call everyone I knew to tell them that I was actually a lawyer. I got sworn in October 23 (well for a second time), and my family was there to support me. It was a great feeling. I now am working as a prosecutor in the Jefferson County Attorney's office. It is crazy and I tend to yell at adults a lot, but I think I will enjoy it eventually.

Back to Leroy. Aaron and I got a miniature schnauzer named Leroy. He is pretty adorable and finally has learned how to behave, usually. He quit pooping and peeing in the house and is pretty cool now.

Aaron and I are planning our wedding now. It is coming along. I will post updates as they happen. We currently have our rings, I have a dress, he has a tux, we have a minister, and we have locations, musicians, a photographer, and a dj, so we could still get married even if nothing else goes right. I just can't wait to marry my best friend and have all of this behind us.

Well hopefully I can become a little better at posting on this thing, even if no one reads it. See y'all later.

oh so close

So technically I should be studying right now, but these thoughts keep floating through my head and I thought I would take a second to put them out there. I have three days until I take the hardest test I could ever imagine taking. I have run the gamut of emotions the past three months. Elation at finally graduating law school. Awe and wonder at the birth of a new niece. Excitement at picking out my wedding dress and deciding on a place to get married. Absolute and complete love everyday I see my fiance. Anxiety at not knowing my future. Fear of failing the bar. Hesitation at moving on with my life. Confusion at not knowing if I want to be a lawyer. Disappointment in not knowing the answers. Grief at seeing myself self destruct when I need to be my strongest. Hopelessness in realizing I can't do it all by myself. Yet I am still alive. I am still breathing. My family still loves me. Aaron still wants to marry me. I have cried till I feel like I can't cry anymore, and yet more tears come. But through it all, I've learned life will go on. I will take this test. I may or may not know the answers. But I will still wake up on Thursday. I will still go shopping with my mom. I will still go to Ohio on Friday and enjoy my weekend at Cedar Point and with Aaron's family. My nephew will still love me. My friends will still talk to me. So on that note, back to writing essays on corporations. Wish me luck!